Why I’m Moody: Confessions, Justifications, and Sweeping Declarations

Confession the 1^st

I listen to “Gimme Sympathy” by Metric a lot because I think it’s a really pretty song. It’s true, simply because it is.

Confession the 2^nd

I left home today in a positive mood, foreseeing that I had a rather stressful amount of work to get done before leaving the office today. Later today, I arrived from work with work unfinished, which didn’t both me; however, I did arrive home unreasonably agitated, moody, and annoyed.

Confession the 3^rd

I write a shit ton, but I write posts, blogs, etc. when I need to sort out feelings that are bothering me as a method for organizing my feelings privately. Sometimes I’ll post components of some of my thoughts out into the world to see reactions and reflect, unless they are too personal—then they reside in my writing journal, for no one but me to see.

M. Night Shyamalan Plot Twist

Tonight, I will share why I have uncharacteristic spouts of irritation, annoyances, and urges to flee certain situations.

Inspiration

A friend of mine named Lindsey (there are a few of you out there, but if you read this, you’ll know who you are) shared a much more in-depth story about her past, her problems, her guidance, and she fucking owned it, and inspired others, myself included, to be a bit more honest about myself.

I don’t think this will inspire others, but if it does, let’s fucking talk about this. Honestly, I  seek to be understood—so if I friend of mine sees me, instead of wanting to fix me, they begin to understand me and a see me more for who I am, as I continue to understand myself and what I deal with. My friend is an inspiration, if simply from being open, as it is the first step in not just accepting yourself, but allowing others to see a deeper side of you.

My Initial Sweeping Declaration

I suffer from social anxieties that can cripple my interactions with others in certain situations.

My anxieties are triggered in certain scenarios that can be… well, encouraged may or may not be the right word, but these episodes influence my behaviors like, which can cause moodiness, depression, unraveling frustration, and a few other shitty feelings.

Justification

Though I shouldn’t need one, I can clarify that I am a rather social person, sometimes described as being over-social. My urge and strive to be social originates from an urges to combat said anxieties. In certain instances, I do not experience social anxieties that would impact me on a daily basis. However, over the last 4 years, I have been experiencing a series of triggers that have undone my normal calm; these triggers generally are wrapped around frustration and isolation, which can cause me to act closed off, moody, appear exhausted, short (not height-wise), agitated, etc. A notion that comes with these is wallowing, remaining depressed, and cutting off social interactions.

Confessions of the Short

Over-attention about things I would deem irrelevant—like a haircut—freaks me the shit out.

Got a haircut this week and walked into work washed over with dread the instance colleagues began to speak to me. Eyes, evaluations, compliments, whatever, unsettle me in a way because I do not enjoy being analyzed or seen in certain ways, making my non-haircut-self feel inadequate, shitty and unwanted, squashed away, and unimportant. The most important words can from one of my supervisors who saw me, smiled, noted he liked my new hair style, but reinforced that he liked how I looked before, and that either one works, making the “flurry of compliments” more about something artificial.

Confession the Next

If I’ve ceased conversing with you for a short period of time, you’ve likely done something that has triggered my anxieties and extreme insecurities, fears, and notions and I am unjustly blaming you for it. Keyword: unjustly. Unless you were being a total dick, in which case, fix that. However, when I do lash out or unreasonably assign blame, I do need to process my shitty mood somehow and that requires me to leave and figure myself out.

Thy Secondth Declaration that I Sweepeth

For 2015, I aim to maintain a positive mood, even under circumstances wherein I am experiencing intensive anxiety.

A lot of these feelings get provided by exclusion, rejection, and drawing focus on insecurities, of which I am working on. I maintain insights into positivity because when these feelings arise, my job is to not wallow, but to acknowledge my feelings with myself, to try to share them with others and if there are those who I am ignored by or disregarded, I will tap into others who actually care and truly listen. Others in life will reject me, others will embrace and accept me, and then there are those who are lost in-between who simply don’t know my situation.  So for those in between, may this post shine a light onto me. My job is to acknowledge those who value and respect me for myself, and to show said respect, value, and kindness onto others. Those can be harder differentiate than youth think—and harder to also uphold for those who care about.

 Confessions Finale

I am writing this and have dread about sharing this tonight, however, after a day of feeling sparked by anxieties and with an important weekend ahead of me, I seek to be refocused.

The Last Justification

I’m off to volunteer with high schoolers all weekend who are the embodiment of social anxieties and akwardocities and it’s my responsibility to oversee and guide them, so I’m obligated to be present, to focus, to listen, and to give them my full attention. The joy of youngsterhood is that the adults are sturdy role models, who, as you get older, become more real and more flawed, but it’s ultimately my job to be responsible for them, even if they say dumb shit or ignite anxieties that would otherwise both me. It’s simple: I gotta get over it for a few days.

Conclusion

I suffer from social anxieties that can cripple me in certain situations. I have a shit ton of support in those I’ve told, those who read this, and those to come. Not everyone who learns this will be supportive, not everyone who reads or is told this, will hear me, but I must remember this: I am a wonderful human and a moody-ass jerk; I am very social and am very secluded; at the core, I like who I am, but the reality is, I need to do a better job appreciating and respecting myself.

So when I am suddenly feeling anxious, especially when provided by others, I need to remind myself why I like me and why I know others around me should be too. I hope to this provides context, as this is not my full story—that’s for another night, right?—but I want you, whoever reads this, to know me a little bit more.  When that anxiety hits, I need to remind a simple truth: I do like me. And in so doing, the right people involved in my life, will continue to like me too. And one of them will play a wonderful Metric song, I’ll smile, and life will feel a little less hopeless… 

Seen

Just remember, if you are seen as:

            A Waste;

            A Crutch;

            Just A Use;

            An Assumption;           

            A Convenience;

            Or An After Thought;

…then you haven’t been seen at all.

So how do you see yourself?

Your Design

Never design yourself completely to meet the needs, wants, hopes, or desires of others, because in the end, we will still retain flaws.

Do not see others whom you envy and ask to seek their treasures, for that is our downfall.

Instead, close your eyes, envision something that brings you a simple, genuine, warming joy.

Perfect.

Now, smile as you treasure yourself, fight for what you value, and yearn to be someone you can truly achieve becoming.

May honesty, acceptance, confidence and love be the tools by which you sculpt your design.

Being & Seeing

In college, I took a multidisciplinary course that focused on the study of alterity (otherness)—a word I spent about 20 minutes attempting to remember this morning. One of our texts presented the idea of how we envision others, via lenses derived from physical features, biases, assumptions, stereotypes, and judgments that we place upon others, ultimately destroys the identity of that other person. The only way to see someone for who they really are would be to leave behind those views and judgments and allow us to see them as they truly want to present themselves.

(That’s DEFINITELY paraphrased and I took that class either in 2008 or 2009, so I may have missed some things, but that’s the overall concept from that text.)

Nowadays, that idea still resonates within me, however, I’m not only pondering about how the eye of the beholder can destroy the identity of others, but how we craft our own self-destruction by projecting a false identity for others.

Per the original concept, the capacity for us to judge, assume, discriminate, and devour others’ identities on a daily basis has grown exponentially thanks to all our social media, online dating sites, and other virtual outlets. Likewise, the reverse should be considered as well: we are being viewed and consumed in mass. So, what is the drive behind how we choose to present our own identity?

Some may tap into falsehoods, projecting ideas or stereotypes about ourselves to feed into what others want. When we tap into a preconceived view that others have about our own identity and we outwardly illustrate it (be it from we act, photos we post, articles we share, our actions, our words, or even our own silence), we start down the path of allowing others’ perception to define who you are, instead of showing others who you really are.

So this is two fold: upon seeing others, try to remove those self-crafted lenses of biases or assumptions so you truly see that person as they want to be seen; and upon sharing yourself, reflect and acknowledge if who you’re sharing is truly you, or just what others want. As people, we adapt to change and social scenarios, but at the core, who we are should not be lost, it should grow stronger to better ourselves. Our identity is ever-changing, so, you’ll need to deal with that. But try to ensure those changes are crafted to better who you are or who you want to be for yourself and not solely for others. (Sometimes we better ourselves for yourself and another, but don’t sacrifice all of who you are just for one person—someone who values you for who you are wouldn’t want that.)

Never forget that if others reject you, that is their loss for not seeing you for the individual that you are/want to be. And if you step away from that situation unchanged, who you are at your core remains intact for yourself and there will be others who will see the real you and who you strive to be.

Meagan Jones

Last week, my friend died.

We learn, change and grow from experiences. Today, I am simply saddened. A person who meant so much to so many, brightened so many lives, and was the kindest and funniest of people, is no longer among us.

That sucks.

And, more importantly, cancer sucks.

This is a shitty lesson to learn, but there will be people you love and care about whom you will lose, and as you mourn them, you will ask yourself What can I do?

In the moment of their passing, we are powereless.

There’s nothing we can do, but be there for them, their family, and for others they have impacted.

Thereafter, we must consider how we honor them and what they stand for, and decide what I can do for their cause.

There have been those around me who have passed away and people in my life—like my mother, my father, my family, my mentors, my peers, who one day will as well—pass on from the world we live in. But it saddens me that Meagan Jones is my first close friend to leave me.

Last week, my friend died.

And today, I continue to try and learn how to deal with it.

We love you.

We miss you.

And we will always honor you. 

March 2014

Take In a Moment

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I am a person with a thought on his mind.

Because in life, shit definitely happens.

I live with regrets from past mistakes;

Or anger towards the horrid actions of another;

And there are unfathomable events that stir us all.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

A moment is haunting me.

So today of all days,

I will take in a thought,

One often wished away,

And I do not forgive;

And I do not forget;

I simply see it as is

And accepted it.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

I choose to take it in.

But how do I face a moment as haunting as this?

I think back to where I once was;

Now see where I have come;

And wonder: will this acceptance aid my future?

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I aim to be a person who moves on.

The Investment of Friendship

Remember a simple truth: you are a worthwhile person.

And consider this as well: those around you should be too.

Cherish the chance to meet to get to know others,

As you hope others do to you.

And while your remember your simple truth, also note the following:

Your friendship is a two-way investment.

If you find extreme inequity in any friendship,

Then what friendship do you truly have?

You are a worthwhile person;

You are a valued friend;

You are an investment.

As you embrace your simplistic truth,

Grasp hold of another truth:

Let go of those friendship fueled by inequity,

And invest time in those who value you,

As you do them.

6.23.14

Ownership of Control: The Ultimate I-Statement

Forgive me Internet, for I have sinned. It’s been… like what, exactly(-ish) two years to the date since my last blog post? :) Seems like a great time to post some random thoughts, ramblings, general ponderments and notions. #wanzisms

Now that I’ve scared off readers with a hashtag in the first paragraph, let’s get into it:

If you have talked to me over the last months and we’ve discussed anything around problems or advice, then you already know what this whole post is going to be about: That’s right, ownership of actions and self-control. To further my point, I will also not be giving my usual second-person narrative advice. You need not do a thing, other than read on (if you choose to).

Today we—nay, I shall reside in the land of I-statements.

Over the last few months, I have maintained the motto that I am the only person that has full control of actions within my life and I must always take ownership of them. Additionally, I do not have control of others, nor should I ever draw frustration from not having that control. This may seem like a pretty obvious idea to most, but on a daily basis I can think of a wide range of excuses that may bubble up:

§     Uh, you didn’t tell me to do that…

§     Oh, I definitely spaced on that one

§     Yeah, I’m just really tired

§     Well, that’s not really my fault/job/issue/(etc.)

§     I was told to do that… (I wrote that today in an email)

§     Oh… no, I didn’t do that…

§     Grrr, I was just SUPER frustrated…

§     Ugh, [insert person] totally made me go out last night

These are a mere sample of my refined excuse-palette. But at the core of this, is my decision to make excuses to mask my inaction or dismiss ownership of my actions.

So when my friends have asked for advice recently or when I have been faced with my own dilemma, I began to realize “I made that choice that got me there, regardless of others, and I need to admit to that.” Boom! Truth. (No hashtag.)

So again, I say, I am the only person that has full control of any action or decision in my life and I must take ownership of that. (This wasn’t always the case, but even InfantWanz developed some degree of control.) Now there are things that happen in my life that are outside of my control (i.e.: random actions in the world, other people’s actions, the series finale of Dexter.). But what matters, is how I choose to respond and react to these others’ actions or the actions that happen around me. Shit happens, but I can’t take ownership for everything out there or place profuse blame onto others; I must remember what I have control of, what I have done, and what I can still do (or not do).

Naturally, the actions of others can influence my actions and beliefs, just as mine can do the same to others. In fact, what I realized is that when I choose to present something that is an influence onto someone else (knowingly or unknowingly), I must take ownership of what have chosen to do and to be aware of the reaction my influence can cause. However, what that person chooses to do is his/her choice, but what I have to take ownership of is that influence. How others influence me still comes from them, but it is ultimately my choice to let myself take it in and take action on that influence. For that, I need to take ownership of what I do and do not do, how that influences others, and who I listen to.

I can’t control everything; that’d be a lot of work if I could, but I can’t. It’s impossible. I don’t try (too often). The root of many of my frustrations stems from the realization that I am unable to directly change something because it is outside of my realm of control—and that just means that whatever I am trying to control is not me. I can’t control other people (nor can they control me); I can’t control the relationship between others; I can’t control other people I am in a relationship with; and I can’t control nature, something outside of everyone’s control (in my opinion).

What should be acknowledged is the important impact that those I have invited into my life have had. I have grown, I have loved, I have laughed, and I have been influenced positively from these many great persons. My friends’ influences and experiences are gifts offered to me (knowingly or unknowingly) that I choose to receive or dismiss.

Even when people come to me for help, I can’t make anyone do anything. What I can do is listen. What I can do is provide support. What I can do is coach. But what I can’t do is fix a problem that someone else has, that’s a choice that he or she needs to make in solving his/her problem. I can offer my thoughts, but it’s that person’s choice to take it. (*cough*subtlesubtextforthis*cough*)

And so, I choose to remain focus on myself when it comes to what I can and cannot do. The root of my frustration, irritations, jealousies, biases, and more are derived from displacement of my ownership of control. Because the choices I make guide my life. I must face the reality of any choice I make. I can justify my reason to others or even to myself, but at the end of the day, I must take ownership of it. I invite people to be involved in the choices I make, but I can’t place blame on them for what they do or do not do. The only blame I can justly place is on myself. What I am choosing to do now is to share with you these notions. And I want to ask you, “Do you take full ownership of everything that you choose to do?”

Me personally, I don’t. But I want to do. And so, I am willing to give it a little gander.

Are you? 10/14/13

My Epiphany of Genuine Connections – of Friendship, of Relationships, of Self

There’s a simple necessity in wanting to build connections with others. Rarely does solitude strengthen an individual who is trying to find his or her place in a community, in society. And from others, they can help you learn, help you laugh, help you grow, and help you love. Others will help support you to be who you are, remind you of who you are when you’re lost and others will stand beside you in times of need, just as you will for them.

But to do such, in a healthy manner, you need to A) surround yourself with genuine friends and relationships B) understand who you are and be comfortable with yourself and C) let go of those toxic relationships with certain people and attachments that will hinder you from being you.

The genuine aspect of any relationship (friends, family, partners, etc.) is key. Living in the world we do now, many things—including relationships—are fabricated. To build a connection with someone involves wanting to know someone because of who he or she is, and not because of what you can gain out of him or her. (Approaching people because they’ll drive you places or because you think they’re dateable or because you can they can be your lab partner are examples of “superficial connections.”) A genuine connection is mutual, and just as you open up to them, they can do so for you. The reality of a genuine friendship is that time and distance will not deteriorate it—merely transform it. To combat loneliness, we sometimes seek those most immediate to us (housemates, classmates, co-workers, neighbors) and genuine connects can be built here. However, if the basis of your friendship resides in being situational, then once the situation has changed, the connection usually fizzles, dies, or becomes toxic. A true connection with a person can be reignited because of the mutual importance of one person in the other person’s life. Time can be made for friends, near and far, old or new, because in the end, those with a genuine connection will be there for each other. True connections can endure change, even become stronger because of it. But you need to have a legitimate understanding of yourself in order to do so.

Though this is about the significance of strong and healthy relationships, the understanding of the relationship that you have with yourself is central. It breaks down to being comfortable with being by yourself and still knowing who you are. This isn’t to contradict the notion that individuals do not seek solitude, but there are times and places when we are alone and want to be with yourself, and how you handle it is important. In the world of social networking that we are engrossed in today, the concept of being alone almost seems alien. But to sit down, disconnect from others, close your eyes, and to feel content with this is an achievement. To do so, you must let go of others and to focus your mind on what you need, what will better you, and to help you achieve clarity of yourself. When you realize who you are, it can not solely be derived from the perception that others have of you, of what you were, of what you yearn to be—who you are is determined on if you are happy being who you are there in the moment. And if you aren’t, think about why, would it be worth it to the change or to endear, and if you’re changing for you or for others. Take control of yourself. Find yourself, find your balance of what you’ve learned from others around you and what you’ve learned on your own, and accept and embrace that, because that’s who you are. The most troubling thing to do is let others who do not have a true connection with your misshape who you are and how you see yourself.

Toxic relationships occur for numerous reasons. Sometimes it’s selfish, to hide from who you are or who they are, what would seem to sometimes be a healthy relationship shatters from secrets of the hidden self. Sometimes someone can be so lost that any connections they make are poisonous by association—there can’t be a mutually genuine connection if someone genuinely does not know his/herself. Sometimes it can purely be physical, utilizing each other in that moment, in their availability, or even in their vulnerability. Sometimes it can be a selfish notion that a person likes you, even if you don’t like them back. And sometimes the lonely seek others, sometimes they even seek each other, and in so doing they don’t build healthy relationships but cling onto each other with sheer disparity. It could be anything. Poisonous connections can be obtained with things as well (be it alcohol, drugs, work, exercise, competitive activities, many things) to “help” transform how your inner self is perceived or how others might see you. But in the end, you are who you are and you can only end up losing yourself—and that’s why genuine connections are there, to help ground you and bring you back when you stray. Sometimes letting go of those things or even poisonous people can feel like losing a sense of self-definition, of you, but you need to remember who you are, with or without it/them. What you must learn to do is let go of those dangerous relationships that can’t be worked on, can’t be fixed, that cannot be mended.

All real relationships, friendships, connections go through hardships and challenges (even your relationship with yourself). This is the measure of if these connections are valid or genuine—real relationships change over time, they are never static. Those closest to us hold the ability to hurt us the most, since they know who you really are (or at least what you’ve unveiled to them), but if you both really care for each other, you will both be there in times of need and relationships can be mended. Key word: both. No connection that is selfless is a one-way-street. Embrace those in your life that care. And if you find yourself unhappy with those around you or even with yourself, make a change. If that change is letting go of someone, something or even inviting others back into your life, then do it. It may suck, it may be hard, it may be scary, it may even require you to own up to your past mistakes—but hiding yourself in a poisonous illusion of friends and self will only end in destruction, devastation, unhappiness, and unwanted loneliness.

Know who you are, grow from others around you and let go of those that don’t value you for who you really are. 10/10/11

Justice in Relevance

Do those in power, in control, in relevance, know any way to empower themselves when feeling obsolete, other than bestowing irrelevance upon others?

When those in dominance feel threatened to be differed—to be come alterity—they reaffirm themselves by oppressing another group. It provides them with an unjust sense of power. Momentary. Harmful. And solely self-gratifying. SO, in the same vain, establishing relevance via imploring irrelevance onto other is unjust.

So, how can relevance be established without directly causing irrelevance to others? And is indirect causation just an unjust? Or is relevance, at its core, selfish? Only able to live and survive by feeding off of others’ approval and acknowledgement and by being fueled by the displacement of others’ relevance?

Perhaps.

But for now, to be aware of your need for relevance is necessary to not have an need to feed off of it is dire, since others will not always be there. Death is a singular process and no one else will be there (physically) but you, your beliefs and your own truths and convictions. With that truth, keep in mind that relevance can be established by your own self and should not feed off others’ gratification nor by invalidating others.

Membership

People group for social comforts. Loneliness, not ideal, thus group form in countless ways—

Gym Memberships, Greek Life, Friendships, Hobbies, Parties, Clubs, Groups, the list does not cease.

But memberships can be artificial, the mere establishment of a label, in order to create inclusion—activity within this social circle must be a voluntary thing. Otherwise, it is what it is, a label.

Individuals derive satisfaction from the claim, from belonging, with the clear-cut knowledge (for themselves and for observes) that they are a part of something.

Validation is achieved, acknowledgment is gained, and recognition is noted. They feel as though they can clearly “seen”—when, in truth, has anything actually changed? Or do the allow themselves to be changed?

A membership can just be another label to carry.

But involvement, does that reflect on wanting to be associated with this partial group of people because you believe you represent them and embody them or do you join in hope of changing? Becoming someone new?

Ultimately, we all desire the urge to belong—be it physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and so the list runs onward. It’s human instinct. But how does belonging and temptations linked with it alter us? Change is inevitable, everything changes, but is it a natural or artificial change?

And, at the end of it all, how would you see yourself—or even be yourself—once you were to leave said group? What would be left?

Who would be left?

9/26/10

My Thoughts, My Beliefs

I believe in people.

Oddly stated, but people all house their own beliefs, and at the core, my own thoughts, queries, wonders, ponders, and—most significantly—my own beliefs stem from these.

People’s beliefs.

Thus, I believe in people.

In that regards, my thoughts are a collage—scattered, fragmented, and abstract. With the variety of interpretations. The examination of beliefs and the actions they cause, involve, or oppose.

This is done by socially expanding, intently observing, and engaging individual encounters. To expose life amidst others’ lives builds a full-fledge comprehension of these many beliefs.

My act of expression for my beliefs is through my writing, my words, my thoughts.

So people are my beliefs, a system I study by amercing myself with as many people as I can. From those experiences, I analyze those beliefs, the actions that they cause and the outcome they create. And from there, I apply and experiment such beliefs, with my life, to further comprehend the outcome, and process said details with my words.

And though not all people will be known or are mean to be met and understood, I know these are my beliefs and I want and yearn to learn more.

Thus, these are my thoughts.

October 2010

Conclusions

Dear Conclusion,

Sorry for leaping to you illogically. Generally, I arrive at you for just reasons. Facts are stated, reasons deduced, logic prevails.

However, I may impose myself when I cannot reach you—my bad.

Sure it egotistical, but seriously, an easy location to land. When I am not involved, but I need to know why an action occurs, I turn to you. Does it matter that I wasn’t involved, wasn’t consulted, wasn’t told, wasn’t considered?

Clearly, I’d say so.

And so to reach you, I turn to myself to get to you. That only seems fair, ya? I deserve closures and answers, right? Just because I don’t understand and was not involved, doesn’t mean I cannot connect with you.

In short, I apologize for the means I reached you by, but not for trying. That fault rests in the inactions of the person that neglected to include me.

Promise to get to you more logically in the future.

Yours truly,

Me

10/10/10

Motivation

The power behind motivating others is derived from a self-motivated leader:

1)    An unmotivated leader is a tyrant; lazy, controlling, and uneducated. Revolt will be born, not motive.

2)    False motivation will not reach all and shows sign of incompetencey.

3)    Respect will create ease for motivation.

4)    Sanity, knowledge, goals/aims, security, and foresight are needed for motivation.

5)    Truth. With the true knowing of your own motive, you will learn to motivate others.

6)    Falsification is corrosive. It will not fill minds, except those like their own, simple-minded and nearing empty.

1/21/10

Impending Change

The idea of change, in and of itself, can be a frightening one; the feeling conjured forth from the knowing that you are ready to make that change can be far more gut wrenching.


4.9.11

Labels & Assumptions

Assumptions provide the perfection location for labels—it is as though they form the perfect outline for a label to be placed.

Assumptions are built from a disconnect in what you believe to be logical. Keyword: you. You do not understand something, from your life, your experiences, and your expectations, you cannot and will not be able to see why one thing has led to another. For people, these are actions, gestures, personas, expressions, beliefs, and so forth.

And then slap goes the label. As soon as you have "pieced together" from your experience and your understanding of people, then you can craft the perfect assumption—you label this illogical person to craft the necessary connection in your mind to make them make sense. "Oh, well they're probably Asian!" "Oh right, he must be gay." "Well clearly she's just a bitch." "Oh, that's cause she's probably from the 'burbs."

Labels cure any illogical nature of assumptions... for you. You, and only you. In fact, in so doing, all you are doing, is validating what you believe and what you see. You are very literarily connecting the numberless dots to craft a picture that is familiar to you.

So, what you should realize is, by taking your assumptions, by slapping on your label, you are actually covering up the perfect chance to see a person for who they really are and to learn from them. Whomever you are making such labels and assumptions about in fact carries within them something you have yet to understand.

So take a moment, peel it away, break whatever faux-connection you have placed, and see this person for who they are.

01/10/11

Titles

Titles can be tricky.

They say who you are supposed to be—a father, a mother a son, a daughter, a priest, a teacher, a student, a leader, a follower, a murder, a saint, a good guy, a villain, a loser, winner, a god, a shadow.

But they are just labels.

To demand the respect of a title, one must act as such. And to act as such, one most not just state their title given, but hold the skill sets, histories, consequences, actions, and traits within themselves as a person who carries that very title.

Otherwise, are a merely an actor incapable of being who you truly are mean to be.

A title is merely a word, not a state of being.

1/21/10 

The Depth of Perception

A friendly acquaintance judges the surface, all that you superficially appear to be.

A new friend looks for aspects of you, things to relate to, to further and understanding of you.

A romance finds attractions—things you do for them, that they’ll do for you, and a potential gain. But a compromise (in avoidance of heartbreak) could be on an inevitable horizon.

A true friend sees you for you, aims to challenge you, to listen to you, and to love you for all of who you truly are.

An unfriendly acquaintance judges the surface, all that you superficially appear to be.

A new foe notices aspects of you, things they dislike, to further a disliking of you.

A rival thrives off competition—things you do well, that they hope to do better than you, all for a potential ego boost. But compromise (in avoidance of failure) could be on an inevitable horizon.

A true nemesis sees you for you, aims to challenge you, to listen to you and to loath you for all of who you truly are.

9/2/10

Wanzism 1 - Division of Self

      I am divided.

      I am the soft-spoken observer;
            I watch.
            I smile.
            I learn.
            I note.
            I judge.
            I avoid.
            And, I ponder.

      I am the over-spoken social whore;
             I seek.
             I speak.
             I lie.
             I smirk.
             I jest.
             And, I act.

        I am meant to be united;
             I should seek to be social, but not overwhelmed by others.
             I should avoid the masses, without losing those connections.
             I should judge after comprehension of what I have learned from others.
             I should lie, I should note, but not allow these things in excess.

         To be whole is to embrace harmony, the balance of selves. This union speaks to my selves and the goal of the whole.

            Of who I can be.

            So, the query is, who shall I be?

10/25/10

Wanzisms, Ludicrous Ponderings of Pie, and Old Wanzaisms

The purpose of all these are three fold:

1) To begin to post my work online.

2) To better my system of belief by presenting it to others

3) To see a response.

There'll be wanzisms posted every week, ludicrious ponderings of pie (silly goof insights on nothing), and old wanzaisms from younger times. Keep an eye out!