There’s a simple necessity in wanting to build connections with others. Rarely does solitude strengthen an individual who is trying to find his or her place in a community, in society. And from others, they can help you learn, help you laugh, help you grow, and help you love. Others will help support you to be who you are, remind you of who you are when you’re lost and others will stand beside you in times of need, just as you will for them.
But to do such, in a healthy manner, you need to A) surround yourself with genuine friends and relationships B) understand who you are and be comfortable with yourself and C) let go of those toxic relationships with certain people and attachments that will hinder you from being you.
The genuine aspect of any relationship (friends, family, partners, etc.) is key. Living in the world we do now, many things—including relationships—are fabricated. To build a connection with someone involves wanting to know someone because of who he or she is, and not because of what you can gain out of him or her. (Approaching people because they’ll drive you places or because you think they’re dateable or because you can they can be your lab partner are examples of “superficial connections.”) A genuine connection is mutual, and just as you open up to them, they can do so for you. The reality of a genuine friendship is that time and distance will not deteriorate it—merely transform it. To combat loneliness, we sometimes seek those most immediate to us (housemates, classmates, co-workers, neighbors) and genuine connects can be built here. However, if the basis of your friendship resides in being situational, then once the situation has changed, the connection usually fizzles, dies, or becomes toxic. A true connection with a person can be reignited because of the mutual importance of one person in the other person’s life. Time can be made for friends, near and far, old or new, because in the end, those with a genuine connection will be there for each other. True connections can endure change, even become stronger because of it. But you need to have a legitimate understanding of yourself in order to do so.
Though this is about the significance of strong and healthy relationships, the understanding of the relationship that you have with yourself is central. It breaks down to being comfortable with being by yourself and still knowing who you are. This isn’t to contradict the notion that individuals do not seek solitude, but there are times and places when we are alone and want to be with yourself, and how you handle it is important. In the world of social networking that we are engrossed in today, the concept of being alone almost seems alien. But to sit down, disconnect from others, close your eyes, and to feel content with this is an achievement. To do so, you must let go of others and to focus your mind on what you need, what will better you, and to help you achieve clarity of yourself. When you realize who you are, it can not solely be derived from the perception that others have of you, of what you were, of what you yearn to be—who you are is determined on if you are happy being who you are there in the moment. And if you aren’t, think about why, would it be worth it to the change or to endear, and if you’re changing for you or for others. Take control of yourself. Find yourself, find your balance of what you’ve learned from others around you and what you’ve learned on your own, and accept and embrace that, because that’s who you are. The most troubling thing to do is let others who do not have a true connection with your misshape who you are and how you see yourself.
Toxic relationships occur for numerous reasons. Sometimes it’s selfish, to hide from who you are or who they are, what would seem to sometimes be a healthy relationship shatters from secrets of the hidden self. Sometimes someone can be so lost that any connections they make are poisonous by association—there can’t be a mutually genuine connection if someone genuinely does not know his/herself. Sometimes it can purely be physical, utilizing each other in that moment, in their availability, or even in their vulnerability. Sometimes it can be a selfish notion that a person likes you, even if you don’t like them back. And sometimes the lonely seek others, sometimes they even seek each other, and in so doing they don’t build healthy relationships but cling onto each other with sheer disparity. It could be anything. Poisonous connections can be obtained with things as well (be it alcohol, drugs, work, exercise, competitive activities, many things) to “help” transform how your inner self is perceived or how others might see you. But in the end, you are who you are and you can only end up losing yourself—and that’s why genuine connections are there, to help ground you and bring you back when you stray. Sometimes letting go of those things or even poisonous people can feel like losing a sense of self-definition, of you, but you need to remember who you are, with or without it/them. What you must learn to do is let go of those dangerous relationships that can’t be worked on, can’t be fixed, that cannot be mended.
All real relationships, friendships, connections go through hardships and challenges (even your relationship with yourself). This is the measure of if these connections are valid or genuine—real relationships change over time, they are never static. Those closest to us hold the ability to hurt us the most, since they know who you really are (or at least what you’ve unveiled to them), but if you both really care for each other, you will both be there in times of need and relationships can be mended. Key word: both. No connection that is selfless is a one-way-street. Embrace those in your life that care. And if you find yourself unhappy with those around you or even with yourself, make a change. If that change is letting go of someone, something or even inviting others back into your life, then do it. It may suck, it may be hard, it may be scary, it may even require you to own up to your past mistakes—but hiding yourself in a poisonous illusion of friends and self will only end in destruction, devastation, unhappiness, and unwanted loneliness.
Know who you are, grow from others around you and let go of those that don’t value you for who you really are. 10/10/11
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