My Epiphany of Genuine Connections – of Friendship, of Relationships, of Self

There’s a simple necessity in wanting to build connections with others. Rarely does solitude strengthen an individual who is trying to find his or her place in a community, in society. And from others, they can help you learn, help you laugh, help you grow, and help you love. Others will help support you to be who you are, remind you of who you are when you’re lost and others will stand beside you in times of need, just as you will for them.

But to do such, in a healthy manner, you need to A) surround yourself with genuine friends and relationships B) understand who you are and be comfortable with yourself and C) let go of those toxic relationships with certain people and attachments that will hinder you from being you.

The genuine aspect of any relationship (friends, family, partners, etc.) is key. Living in the world we do now, many things—including relationships—are fabricated. To build a connection with someone involves wanting to know someone because of who he or she is, and not because of what you can gain out of him or her. (Approaching people because they’ll drive you places or because you think they’re dateable or because you can they can be your lab partner are examples of “superficial connections.”) A genuine connection is mutual, and just as you open up to them, they can do so for you. The reality of a genuine friendship is that time and distance will not deteriorate it—merely transform it. To combat loneliness, we sometimes seek those most immediate to us (housemates, classmates, co-workers, neighbors) and genuine connects can be built here. However, if the basis of your friendship resides in being situational, then once the situation has changed, the connection usually fizzles, dies, or becomes toxic. A true connection with a person can be reignited because of the mutual importance of one person in the other person’s life. Time can be made for friends, near and far, old or new, because in the end, those with a genuine connection will be there for each other. True connections can endure change, even become stronger because of it. But you need to have a legitimate understanding of yourself in order to do so.

Though this is about the significance of strong and healthy relationships, the understanding of the relationship that you have with yourself is central. It breaks down to being comfortable with being by yourself and still knowing who you are. This isn’t to contradict the notion that individuals do not seek solitude, but there are times and places when we are alone and want to be with yourself, and how you handle it is important. In the world of social networking that we are engrossed in today, the concept of being alone almost seems alien. But to sit down, disconnect from others, close your eyes, and to feel content with this is an achievement. To do so, you must let go of others and to focus your mind on what you need, what will better you, and to help you achieve clarity of yourself. When you realize who you are, it can not solely be derived from the perception that others have of you, of what you were, of what you yearn to be—who you are is determined on if you are happy being who you are there in the moment. And if you aren’t, think about why, would it be worth it to the change or to endear, and if you’re changing for you or for others. Take control of yourself. Find yourself, find your balance of what you’ve learned from others around you and what you’ve learned on your own, and accept and embrace that, because that’s who you are. The most troubling thing to do is let others who do not have a true connection with your misshape who you are and how you see yourself.

Toxic relationships occur for numerous reasons. Sometimes it’s selfish, to hide from who you are or who they are, what would seem to sometimes be a healthy relationship shatters from secrets of the hidden self. Sometimes someone can be so lost that any connections they make are poisonous by association—there can’t be a mutually genuine connection if someone genuinely does not know his/herself. Sometimes it can purely be physical, utilizing each other in that moment, in their availability, or even in their vulnerability. Sometimes it can be a selfish notion that a person likes you, even if you don’t like them back. And sometimes the lonely seek others, sometimes they even seek each other, and in so doing they don’t build healthy relationships but cling onto each other with sheer disparity. It could be anything. Poisonous connections can be obtained with things as well (be it alcohol, drugs, work, exercise, competitive activities, many things) to “help” transform how your inner self is perceived or how others might see you. But in the end, you are who you are and you can only end up losing yourself—and that’s why genuine connections are there, to help ground you and bring you back when you stray. Sometimes letting go of those things or even poisonous people can feel like losing a sense of self-definition, of you, but you need to remember who you are, with or without it/them. What you must learn to do is let go of those dangerous relationships that can’t be worked on, can’t be fixed, that cannot be mended.

All real relationships, friendships, connections go through hardships and challenges (even your relationship with yourself). This is the measure of if these connections are valid or genuine—real relationships change over time, they are never static. Those closest to us hold the ability to hurt us the most, since they know who you really are (or at least what you’ve unveiled to them), but if you both really care for each other, you will both be there in times of need and relationships can be mended. Key word: both. No connection that is selfless is a one-way-street. Embrace those in your life that care. And if you find yourself unhappy with those around you or even with yourself, make a change. If that change is letting go of someone, something or even inviting others back into your life, then do it. It may suck, it may be hard, it may be scary, it may even require you to own up to your past mistakes—but hiding yourself in a poisonous illusion of friends and self will only end in destruction, devastation, unhappiness, and unwanted loneliness.

Know who you are, grow from others around you and let go of those that don’t value you for who you really are. 10/10/11

Justice in Relevance

Do those in power, in control, in relevance, know any way to empower themselves when feeling obsolete, other than bestowing irrelevance upon others?

When those in dominance feel threatened to be differed—to be come alterity—they reaffirm themselves by oppressing another group. It provides them with an unjust sense of power. Momentary. Harmful. And solely self-gratifying. SO, in the same vain, establishing relevance via imploring irrelevance onto other is unjust.

So, how can relevance be established without directly causing irrelevance to others? And is indirect causation just an unjust? Or is relevance, at its core, selfish? Only able to live and survive by feeding off of others’ approval and acknowledgement and by being fueled by the displacement of others’ relevance?

Perhaps.

But for now, to be aware of your need for relevance is necessary to not have an need to feed off of it is dire, since others will not always be there. Death is a singular process and no one else will be there (physically) but you, your beliefs and your own truths and convictions. With that truth, keep in mind that relevance can be established by your own self and should not feed off others’ gratification nor by invalidating others.

Membership

People group for social comforts. Loneliness, not ideal, thus group form in countless ways—

Gym Memberships, Greek Life, Friendships, Hobbies, Parties, Clubs, Groups, the list does not cease.

But memberships can be artificial, the mere establishment of a label, in order to create inclusion—activity within this social circle must be a voluntary thing. Otherwise, it is what it is, a label.

Individuals derive satisfaction from the claim, from belonging, with the clear-cut knowledge (for themselves and for observes) that they are a part of something.

Validation is achieved, acknowledgment is gained, and recognition is noted. They feel as though they can clearly “seen”—when, in truth, has anything actually changed? Or do the allow themselves to be changed?

A membership can just be another label to carry.

But involvement, does that reflect on wanting to be associated with this partial group of people because you believe you represent them and embody them or do you join in hope of changing? Becoming someone new?

Ultimately, we all desire the urge to belong—be it physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and so the list runs onward. It’s human instinct. But how does belonging and temptations linked with it alter us? Change is inevitable, everything changes, but is it a natural or artificial change?

And, at the end of it all, how would you see yourself—or even be yourself—once you were to leave said group? What would be left?

Who would be left?

9/26/10

My Thoughts, My Beliefs

I believe in people.

Oddly stated, but people all house their own beliefs, and at the core, my own thoughts, queries, wonders, ponders, and—most significantly—my own beliefs stem from these.

People’s beliefs.

Thus, I believe in people.

In that regards, my thoughts are a collage—scattered, fragmented, and abstract. With the variety of interpretations. The examination of beliefs and the actions they cause, involve, or oppose.

This is done by socially expanding, intently observing, and engaging individual encounters. To expose life amidst others’ lives builds a full-fledge comprehension of these many beliefs.

My act of expression for my beliefs is through my writing, my words, my thoughts.

So people are my beliefs, a system I study by amercing myself with as many people as I can. From those experiences, I analyze those beliefs, the actions that they cause and the outcome they create. And from there, I apply and experiment such beliefs, with my life, to further comprehend the outcome, and process said details with my words.

And though not all people will be known or are mean to be met and understood, I know these are my beliefs and I want and yearn to learn more.

Thus, these are my thoughts.

October 2010

Conclusions

Dear Conclusion,

Sorry for leaping to you illogically. Generally, I arrive at you for just reasons. Facts are stated, reasons deduced, logic prevails.

However, I may impose myself when I cannot reach you—my bad.

Sure it egotistical, but seriously, an easy location to land. When I am not involved, but I need to know why an action occurs, I turn to you. Does it matter that I wasn’t involved, wasn’t consulted, wasn’t told, wasn’t considered?

Clearly, I’d say so.

And so to reach you, I turn to myself to get to you. That only seems fair, ya? I deserve closures and answers, right? Just because I don’t understand and was not involved, doesn’t mean I cannot connect with you.

In short, I apologize for the means I reached you by, but not for trying. That fault rests in the inactions of the person that neglected to include me.

Promise to get to you more logically in the future.

Yours truly,

Me

10/10/10

Motivation

The power behind motivating others is derived from a self-motivated leader:

1)    An unmotivated leader is a tyrant; lazy, controlling, and uneducated. Revolt will be born, not motive.

2)    False motivation will not reach all and shows sign of incompetencey.

3)    Respect will create ease for motivation.

4)    Sanity, knowledge, goals/aims, security, and foresight are needed for motivation.

5)    Truth. With the true knowing of your own motive, you will learn to motivate others.

6)    Falsification is corrosive. It will not fill minds, except those like their own, simple-minded and nearing empty.

1/21/10

Impending Change

The idea of change, in and of itself, can be a frightening one; the feeling conjured forth from the knowing that you are ready to make that change can be far more gut wrenching.


4.9.11

Labels & Assumptions

Assumptions provide the perfection location for labels—it is as though they form the perfect outline for a label to be placed.

Assumptions are built from a disconnect in what you believe to be logical. Keyword: you. You do not understand something, from your life, your experiences, and your expectations, you cannot and will not be able to see why one thing has led to another. For people, these are actions, gestures, personas, expressions, beliefs, and so forth.

And then slap goes the label. As soon as you have "pieced together" from your experience and your understanding of people, then you can craft the perfect assumption—you label this illogical person to craft the necessary connection in your mind to make them make sense. "Oh, well they're probably Asian!" "Oh right, he must be gay." "Well clearly she's just a bitch." "Oh, that's cause she's probably from the 'burbs."

Labels cure any illogical nature of assumptions... for you. You, and only you. In fact, in so doing, all you are doing, is validating what you believe and what you see. You are very literarily connecting the numberless dots to craft a picture that is familiar to you.

So, what you should realize is, by taking your assumptions, by slapping on your label, you are actually covering up the perfect chance to see a person for who they really are and to learn from them. Whomever you are making such labels and assumptions about in fact carries within them something you have yet to understand.

So take a moment, peel it away, break whatever faux-connection you have placed, and see this person for who they are.

01/10/11