Confession the 1st
I listen to “Gimme Sympathy” by Metric a lot because I think
it’s a really pretty song. It’s true, simply because it is.
Confession the 2nd
I left home today in a positive mood, foreseeing that I had
a rather stressful amount of work to get done before leaving the office today.
Later today, I arrived from work with work unfinished, which didn’t both me; however,
I did arrive home unreasonably agitated, moody, and annoyed.
Confession the 3rd
I write a shit ton, but I write posts, blogs, etc. when I
need to sort out feelings that are bothering me as a method for organizing my
feelings privately. Sometimes I’ll post components of some of my thoughts out
into the world to see reactions and reflect, unless they are too personal—then they
reside in my writing journal, for no one but me to see.
M. Night Shyamalan
Plot Twist
Tonight, I will share why I have uncharacteristic spouts of irritation,
annoyances, and urges to flee certain situations.
Inspiration
A friend of mine named Lindsey (there are a few of you out
there, but if you read this, you’ll know who you are) shared a much more
in-depth story about her past, her problems, her guidance, and she fucking
owned it, and inspired others, myself included, to be a bit more honest about
myself.
I don’t think this will inspire others, but if it does, let’s
fucking talk about this. Honestly, I seek to be understood—so if I friend of mine
sees me, instead of wanting to fix me, they begin to understand me and a see me
more for who I am, as I continue to understand myself and what I deal with. My
friend is an inspiration, if simply from being open, as it is the first step in
not just accepting yourself, but allowing others to see a deeper side of you.
My Initial
Sweeping Declaration
I suffer from social anxieties that can cripple my
interactions with others in certain situations.
My anxieties are triggered in certain scenarios that can be…
well, encouraged may or may not be
the right word, but these episodes influence my behaviors like, which can cause
moodiness, depression, unraveling frustration, and a few other shitty feelings.
Justification
Though I shouldn’t need one, I can clarify that I am a
rather social person, sometimes described as being over-social. My urge and
strive to be social originates from an urges to combat said anxieties. In
certain instances, I do not experience social anxieties that would impact me on
a daily basis. However, over the last 4 years, I have been experiencing a
series of triggers that have undone my normal calm; these triggers generally
are wrapped around frustration and isolation, which can cause me to act closed
off, moody, appear exhausted, short (not height-wise), agitated, etc. A notion
that comes with these is wallowing, remaining depressed, and cutting off social
interactions.
Confessions of the
Short
Over-attention about things I would deem irrelevant—like a
haircut—freaks me the shit out.
Got a haircut this week and walked into work washed over
with dread the instance colleagues began to speak to me. Eyes, evaluations,
compliments, whatever, unsettle me in a way because I do not enjoy being
analyzed or seen in certain ways, making my non-haircut-self feel inadequate, shitty
and unwanted, squashed away, and unimportant. The most important words can from
one of my supervisors who saw me, smiled, noted he liked my new hair style, but
reinforced that he liked how I looked before, and that either one works, making
the “flurry of compliments” more about something artificial.
Confession the
Next
If I’ve ceased conversing with you for a short period of
time, you’ve likely done something that has triggered my anxieties and extreme insecurities,
fears, and notions and I am unjustly blaming you for it. Keyword: unjustly.
Unless you were being a total dick, in which case, fix that. However, when I do
lash out or unreasonably assign blame, I do need to process my shitty mood
somehow and that requires me to leave and figure myself out.
Thy Secondth
Declaration that I Sweepeth
For 2015, I aim to maintain a positive mood, even under
circumstances wherein I am experiencing intensive anxiety.
A lot of these feelings get provided by exclusion,
rejection, and drawing focus on insecurities, of which I am working on. I
maintain insights into positivity because when these feelings arise, my job is
to not wallow, but to acknowledge my feelings with myself, to try to share them
with others and if there are those who I am ignored by or disregarded, I will tap
into others who actually care and truly listen. Others in life will reject me,
others will embrace and accept me, and then there are those who are lost
in-between who simply don’t know my situation. So for those in between, may this post shine a
light onto me. My job is to acknowledge those who value and respect me for
myself, and to show said respect, value, and kindness onto others. Those can be
harder differentiate than youth think—and harder to also uphold for those who
care about.
Confessions Finale
I am writing this and have dread about sharing this tonight,
however, after a day of feeling sparked by anxieties and with an important
weekend ahead of me, I seek to be refocused.
The Last Justification
I’m off to volunteer with high schoolers all weekend who are
the embodiment of social anxieties and akwardocities and it’s my responsibility
to oversee and guide them, so I’m obligated to be present, to focus, to listen,
and to give them my full attention. The joy of youngsterhood is that the adults
are sturdy role models, who, as you get older, become more real and more flawed,
but it’s ultimately my job to be responsible for them, even if they say dumb
shit or ignite anxieties that would otherwise both me. It’s simple: I gotta get
over it for a few days.
Conclusion
I suffer from social anxieties that can cripple me in
certain situations. I have a shit ton of support in those I’ve told, those who
read this, and those to come. Not everyone who learns this will be supportive,
not everyone who reads or is told this, will hear me, but I must remember this:
I am a wonderful human and a moody-ass jerk; I am very social and am very
secluded; at the core, I like who I am, but the reality is, I need to do a
better job appreciating and respecting myself.
So when I am suddenly feeling anxious, especially when
provided by others, I need to remind myself why I like me and why I know others
around me should be too. I hope to this provides context, as this is not my
full story—that’s for another night, right?—but I want you, whoever reads this,
to know me a little bit more. When that
anxiety hits, I need to remind a simple truth: I do like me. And in so doing,
the right people involved in my life, will continue to like me too. And one of
them will play a wonderful Metric song, I’ll smile, and life will feel a little
less hopeless…
