Why I’m Moody: Confessions, Justifications, and Sweeping Declarations

Confession the 1^st

I listen to “Gimme Sympathy” by Metric a lot because I think it’s a really pretty song. It’s true, simply because it is.

Confession the 2^nd

I left home today in a positive mood, foreseeing that I had a rather stressful amount of work to get done before leaving the office today. Later today, I arrived from work with work unfinished, which didn’t both me; however, I did arrive home unreasonably agitated, moody, and annoyed.

Confession the 3^rd

I write a shit ton, but I write posts, blogs, etc. when I need to sort out feelings that are bothering me as a method for organizing my feelings privately. Sometimes I’ll post components of some of my thoughts out into the world to see reactions and reflect, unless they are too personal—then they reside in my writing journal, for no one but me to see.

M. Night Shyamalan Plot Twist

Tonight, I will share why I have uncharacteristic spouts of irritation, annoyances, and urges to flee certain situations.

Inspiration

A friend of mine named Lindsey (there are a few of you out there, but if you read this, you’ll know who you are) shared a much more in-depth story about her past, her problems, her guidance, and she fucking owned it, and inspired others, myself included, to be a bit more honest about myself.

I don’t think this will inspire others, but if it does, let’s fucking talk about this. Honestly, I  seek to be understood—so if I friend of mine sees me, instead of wanting to fix me, they begin to understand me and a see me more for who I am, as I continue to understand myself and what I deal with. My friend is an inspiration, if simply from being open, as it is the first step in not just accepting yourself, but allowing others to see a deeper side of you.

My Initial Sweeping Declaration

I suffer from social anxieties that can cripple my interactions with others in certain situations.

My anxieties are triggered in certain scenarios that can be… well, encouraged may or may not be the right word, but these episodes influence my behaviors like, which can cause moodiness, depression, unraveling frustration, and a few other shitty feelings.

Justification

Though I shouldn’t need one, I can clarify that I am a rather social person, sometimes described as being over-social. My urge and strive to be social originates from an urges to combat said anxieties. In certain instances, I do not experience social anxieties that would impact me on a daily basis. However, over the last 4 years, I have been experiencing a series of triggers that have undone my normal calm; these triggers generally are wrapped around frustration and isolation, which can cause me to act closed off, moody, appear exhausted, short (not height-wise), agitated, etc. A notion that comes with these is wallowing, remaining depressed, and cutting off social interactions.

Confessions of the Short

Over-attention about things I would deem irrelevant—like a haircut—freaks me the shit out.

Got a haircut this week and walked into work washed over with dread the instance colleagues began to speak to me. Eyes, evaluations, compliments, whatever, unsettle me in a way because I do not enjoy being analyzed or seen in certain ways, making my non-haircut-self feel inadequate, shitty and unwanted, squashed away, and unimportant. The most important words can from one of my supervisors who saw me, smiled, noted he liked my new hair style, but reinforced that he liked how I looked before, and that either one works, making the “flurry of compliments” more about something artificial.

Confession the Next

If I’ve ceased conversing with you for a short period of time, you’ve likely done something that has triggered my anxieties and extreme insecurities, fears, and notions and I am unjustly blaming you for it. Keyword: unjustly. Unless you were being a total dick, in which case, fix that. However, when I do lash out or unreasonably assign blame, I do need to process my shitty mood somehow and that requires me to leave and figure myself out.

Thy Secondth Declaration that I Sweepeth

For 2015, I aim to maintain a positive mood, even under circumstances wherein I am experiencing intensive anxiety.

A lot of these feelings get provided by exclusion, rejection, and drawing focus on insecurities, of which I am working on. I maintain insights into positivity because when these feelings arise, my job is to not wallow, but to acknowledge my feelings with myself, to try to share them with others and if there are those who I am ignored by or disregarded, I will tap into others who actually care and truly listen. Others in life will reject me, others will embrace and accept me, and then there are those who are lost in-between who simply don’t know my situation.  So for those in between, may this post shine a light onto me. My job is to acknowledge those who value and respect me for myself, and to show said respect, value, and kindness onto others. Those can be harder differentiate than youth think—and harder to also uphold for those who care about.

 Confessions Finale

I am writing this and have dread about sharing this tonight, however, after a day of feeling sparked by anxieties and with an important weekend ahead of me, I seek to be refocused.

The Last Justification

I’m off to volunteer with high schoolers all weekend who are the embodiment of social anxieties and akwardocities and it’s my responsibility to oversee and guide them, so I’m obligated to be present, to focus, to listen, and to give them my full attention. The joy of youngsterhood is that the adults are sturdy role models, who, as you get older, become more real and more flawed, but it’s ultimately my job to be responsible for them, even if they say dumb shit or ignite anxieties that would otherwise both me. It’s simple: I gotta get over it for a few days.

Conclusion

I suffer from social anxieties that can cripple me in certain situations. I have a shit ton of support in those I’ve told, those who read this, and those to come. Not everyone who learns this will be supportive, not everyone who reads or is told this, will hear me, but I must remember this: I am a wonderful human and a moody-ass jerk; I am very social and am very secluded; at the core, I like who I am, but the reality is, I need to do a better job appreciating and respecting myself.

So when I am suddenly feeling anxious, especially when provided by others, I need to remind myself why I like me and why I know others around me should be too. I hope to this provides context, as this is not my full story—that’s for another night, right?—but I want you, whoever reads this, to know me a little bit more.  When that anxiety hits, I need to remind a simple truth: I do like me. And in so doing, the right people involved in my life, will continue to like me too. And one of them will play a wonderful Metric song, I’ll smile, and life will feel a little less hopeless… 

Seen

Just remember, if you are seen as:

            A Waste;

            A Crutch;

            Just A Use;

            An Assumption;           

            A Convenience;

            Or An After Thought;

…then you haven’t been seen at all.

So how do you see yourself?

Your Design

Never design yourself completely to meet the needs, wants, hopes, or desires of others, because in the end, we will still retain flaws.

Do not see others whom you envy and ask to seek their treasures, for that is our downfall.

Instead, close your eyes, envision something that brings you a simple, genuine, warming joy.

Perfect.

Now, smile as you treasure yourself, fight for what you value, and yearn to be someone you can truly achieve becoming.

May honesty, acceptance, confidence and love be the tools by which you sculpt your design.

Being & Seeing

In college, I took a multidisciplinary course that focused on the study of alterity (otherness)—a word I spent about 20 minutes attempting to remember this morning. One of our texts presented the idea of how we envision others, via lenses derived from physical features, biases, assumptions, stereotypes, and judgments that we place upon others, ultimately destroys the identity of that other person. The only way to see someone for who they really are would be to leave behind those views and judgments and allow us to see them as they truly want to present themselves.

(That’s DEFINITELY paraphrased and I took that class either in 2008 or 2009, so I may have missed some things, but that’s the overall concept from that text.)

Nowadays, that idea still resonates within me, however, I’m not only pondering about how the eye of the beholder can destroy the identity of others, but how we craft our own self-destruction by projecting a false identity for others.

Per the original concept, the capacity for us to judge, assume, discriminate, and devour others’ identities on a daily basis has grown exponentially thanks to all our social media, online dating sites, and other virtual outlets. Likewise, the reverse should be considered as well: we are being viewed and consumed in mass. So, what is the drive behind how we choose to present our own identity?

Some may tap into falsehoods, projecting ideas or stereotypes about ourselves to feed into what others want. When we tap into a preconceived view that others have about our own identity and we outwardly illustrate it (be it from we act, photos we post, articles we share, our actions, our words, or even our own silence), we start down the path of allowing others’ perception to define who you are, instead of showing others who you really are.

So this is two fold: upon seeing others, try to remove those self-crafted lenses of biases or assumptions so you truly see that person as they want to be seen; and upon sharing yourself, reflect and acknowledge if who you’re sharing is truly you, or just what others want. As people, we adapt to change and social scenarios, but at the core, who we are should not be lost, it should grow stronger to better ourselves. Our identity is ever-changing, so, you’ll need to deal with that. But try to ensure those changes are crafted to better who you are or who you want to be for yourself and not solely for others. (Sometimes we better ourselves for yourself and another, but don’t sacrifice all of who you are just for one person—someone who values you for who you are wouldn’t want that.)

Never forget that if others reject you, that is their loss for not seeing you for the individual that you are/want to be. And if you step away from that situation unchanged, who you are at your core remains intact for yourself and there will be others who will see the real you and who you strive to be.

Meagan Jones

Last week, my friend died.

We learn, change and grow from experiences. Today, I am simply saddened. A person who meant so much to so many, brightened so many lives, and was the kindest and funniest of people, is no longer among us.

That sucks.

And, more importantly, cancer sucks.

This is a shitty lesson to learn, but there will be people you love and care about whom you will lose, and as you mourn them, you will ask yourself What can I do?

In the moment of their passing, we are powereless.

There’s nothing we can do, but be there for them, their family, and for others they have impacted.

Thereafter, we must consider how we honor them and what they stand for, and decide what I can do for their cause.

There have been those around me who have passed away and people in my life—like my mother, my father, my family, my mentors, my peers, who one day will as well—pass on from the world we live in. But it saddens me that Meagan Jones is my first close friend to leave me.

Last week, my friend died.

And today, I continue to try and learn how to deal with it.

We love you.

We miss you.

And we will always honor you. 

March 2014

Take In a Moment

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I am a person with a thought on his mind.

Because in life, shit definitely happens.

I live with regrets from past mistakes;

Or anger towards the horrid actions of another;

And there are unfathomable events that stir us all.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

A moment is haunting me.

So today of all days,

I will take in a thought,

One often wished away,

And I do not forgive;

And I do not forget;

I simply see it as is

And accepted it.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

I choose to take it in.

But how do I face a moment as haunting as this?

I think back to where I once was;

Now see where I have come;

And wonder: will this acceptance aid my future?

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I aim to be a person who moves on.

The Investment of Friendship

Remember a simple truth: you are a worthwhile person.

And consider this as well: those around you should be too.

Cherish the chance to meet to get to know others,

As you hope others do to you.

And while your remember your simple truth, also note the following:

Your friendship is a two-way investment.

If you find extreme inequity in any friendship,

Then what friendship do you truly have?

You are a worthwhile person;

You are a valued friend;

You are an investment.

As you embrace your simplistic truth,

Grasp hold of another truth:

Let go of those friendship fueled by inequity,

And invest time in those who value you,

As you do them.

6.23.14