Seen

Just remember, if you are seen as:

            A Waste;

            A Crutch;

            Just A Use;

            An Assumption;           

            A Convenience;

            Or An After Thought;

…then you haven’t been seen at all.

So how do you see yourself?

Your Design

Never design yourself completely to meet the needs, wants, hopes, or desires of others, because in the end, we will still retain flaws.

Do not see others whom you envy and ask to seek their treasures, for that is our downfall.

Instead, close your eyes, envision something that brings you a simple, genuine, warming joy.

Perfect.

Now, smile as you treasure yourself, fight for what you value, and yearn to be someone you can truly achieve becoming.

May honesty, acceptance, confidence and love be the tools by which you sculpt your design.

Being & Seeing

In college, I took a multidisciplinary course that focused on the study of alterity (otherness)—a word I spent about 20 minutes attempting to remember this morning. One of our texts presented the idea of how we envision others, via lenses derived from physical features, biases, assumptions, stereotypes, and judgments that we place upon others, ultimately destroys the identity of that other person. The only way to see someone for who they really are would be to leave behind those views and judgments and allow us to see them as they truly want to present themselves.

(That’s DEFINITELY paraphrased and I took that class either in 2008 or 2009, so I may have missed some things, but that’s the overall concept from that text.)

Nowadays, that idea still resonates within me, however, I’m not only pondering about how the eye of the beholder can destroy the identity of others, but how we craft our own self-destruction by projecting a false identity for others.

Per the original concept, the capacity for us to judge, assume, discriminate, and devour others’ identities on a daily basis has grown exponentially thanks to all our social media, online dating sites, and other virtual outlets. Likewise, the reverse should be considered as well: we are being viewed and consumed in mass. So, what is the drive behind how we choose to present our own identity?

Some may tap into falsehoods, projecting ideas or stereotypes about ourselves to feed into what others want. When we tap into a preconceived view that others have about our own identity and we outwardly illustrate it (be it from we act, photos we post, articles we share, our actions, our words, or even our own silence), we start down the path of allowing others’ perception to define who you are, instead of showing others who you really are.

So this is two fold: upon seeing others, try to remove those self-crafted lenses of biases or assumptions so you truly see that person as they want to be seen; and upon sharing yourself, reflect and acknowledge if who you’re sharing is truly you, or just what others want. As people, we adapt to change and social scenarios, but at the core, who we are should not be lost, it should grow stronger to better ourselves. Our identity is ever-changing, so, you’ll need to deal with that. But try to ensure those changes are crafted to better who you are or who you want to be for yourself and not solely for others. (Sometimes we better ourselves for yourself and another, but don’t sacrifice all of who you are just for one person—someone who values you for who you are wouldn’t want that.)

Never forget that if others reject you, that is their loss for not seeing you for the individual that you are/want to be. And if you step away from that situation unchanged, who you are at your core remains intact for yourself and there will be others who will see the real you and who you strive to be.

Meagan Jones

Last week, my friend died.

We learn, change and grow from experiences. Today, I am simply saddened. A person who meant so much to so many, brightened so many lives, and was the kindest and funniest of people, is no longer among us.

That sucks.

And, more importantly, cancer sucks.

This is a shitty lesson to learn, but there will be people you love and care about whom you will lose, and as you mourn them, you will ask yourself What can I do?

In the moment of their passing, we are powereless.

There’s nothing we can do, but be there for them, their family, and for others they have impacted.

Thereafter, we must consider how we honor them and what they stand for, and decide what I can do for their cause.

There have been those around me who have passed away and people in my life—like my mother, my father, my family, my mentors, my peers, who one day will as well—pass on from the world we live in. But it saddens me that Meagan Jones is my first close friend to leave me.

Last week, my friend died.

And today, I continue to try and learn how to deal with it.

We love you.

We miss you.

And we will always honor you. 

March 2014

Take In a Moment

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I am a person with a thought on his mind.

Because in life, shit definitely happens.

I live with regrets from past mistakes;

Or anger towards the horrid actions of another;

And there are unfathomable events that stir us all.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

A moment is haunting me.

So today of all days,

I will take in a thought,

One often wished away,

And I do not forgive;

And I do not forget;

I simply see it as is

And accepted it.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

I choose to take it in.

But how do I face a moment as haunting as this?

I think back to where I once was;

Now see where I have come;

And wonder: will this acceptance aid my future?

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I aim to be a person who moves on.

The Investment of Friendship

Remember a simple truth: you are a worthwhile person.

And consider this as well: those around you should be too.

Cherish the chance to meet to get to know others,

As you hope others do to you.

And while your remember your simple truth, also note the following:

Your friendship is a two-way investment.

If you find extreme inequity in any friendship,

Then what friendship do you truly have?

You are a worthwhile person;

You are a valued friend;

You are an investment.

As you embrace your simplistic truth,

Grasp hold of another truth:

Let go of those friendship fueled by inequity,

And invest time in those who value you,

As you do them.

6.23.14

Ownership of Control: The Ultimate I-Statement

Forgive me Internet, for I have sinned. It’s been… like what, exactly(-ish) two years to the date since my last blog post? :) Seems like a great time to post some random thoughts, ramblings, general ponderments and notions. #wanzisms

Now that I’ve scared off readers with a hashtag in the first paragraph, let’s get into it:

If you have talked to me over the last months and we’ve discussed anything around problems or advice, then you already know what this whole post is going to be about: That’s right, ownership of actions and self-control. To further my point, I will also not be giving my usual second-person narrative advice. You need not do a thing, other than read on (if you choose to).

Today we—nay, I shall reside in the land of I-statements.

Over the last few months, I have maintained the motto that I am the only person that has full control of actions within my life and I must always take ownership of them. Additionally, I do not have control of others, nor should I ever draw frustration from not having that control. This may seem like a pretty obvious idea to most, but on a daily basis I can think of a wide range of excuses that may bubble up:

§     Uh, you didn’t tell me to do that…

§     Oh, I definitely spaced on that one

§     Yeah, I’m just really tired

§     Well, that’s not really my fault/job/issue/(etc.)

§     I was told to do that… (I wrote that today in an email)

§     Oh… no, I didn’t do that…

§     Grrr, I was just SUPER frustrated…

§     Ugh, [insert person] totally made me go out last night

These are a mere sample of my refined excuse-palette. But at the core of this, is my decision to make excuses to mask my inaction or dismiss ownership of my actions.

So when my friends have asked for advice recently or when I have been faced with my own dilemma, I began to realize “I made that choice that got me there, regardless of others, and I need to admit to that.” Boom! Truth. (No hashtag.)

So again, I say, I am the only person that has full control of any action or decision in my life and I must take ownership of that. (This wasn’t always the case, but even InfantWanz developed some degree of control.) Now there are things that happen in my life that are outside of my control (i.e.: random actions in the world, other people’s actions, the series finale of Dexter.). But what matters, is how I choose to respond and react to these others’ actions or the actions that happen around me. Shit happens, but I can’t take ownership for everything out there or place profuse blame onto others; I must remember what I have control of, what I have done, and what I can still do (or not do).

Naturally, the actions of others can influence my actions and beliefs, just as mine can do the same to others. In fact, what I realized is that when I choose to present something that is an influence onto someone else (knowingly or unknowingly), I must take ownership of what have chosen to do and to be aware of the reaction my influence can cause. However, what that person chooses to do is his/her choice, but what I have to take ownership of is that influence. How others influence me still comes from them, but it is ultimately my choice to let myself take it in and take action on that influence. For that, I need to take ownership of what I do and do not do, how that influences others, and who I listen to.

I can’t control everything; that’d be a lot of work if I could, but I can’t. It’s impossible. I don’t try (too often). The root of many of my frustrations stems from the realization that I am unable to directly change something because it is outside of my realm of control—and that just means that whatever I am trying to control is not me. I can’t control other people (nor can they control me); I can’t control the relationship between others; I can’t control other people I am in a relationship with; and I can’t control nature, something outside of everyone’s control (in my opinion).

What should be acknowledged is the important impact that those I have invited into my life have had. I have grown, I have loved, I have laughed, and I have been influenced positively from these many great persons. My friends’ influences and experiences are gifts offered to me (knowingly or unknowingly) that I choose to receive or dismiss.

Even when people come to me for help, I can’t make anyone do anything. What I can do is listen. What I can do is provide support. What I can do is coach. But what I can’t do is fix a problem that someone else has, that’s a choice that he or she needs to make in solving his/her problem. I can offer my thoughts, but it’s that person’s choice to take it. (*cough*subtlesubtextforthis*cough*)

And so, I choose to remain focus on myself when it comes to what I can and cannot do. The root of my frustration, irritations, jealousies, biases, and more are derived from displacement of my ownership of control. Because the choices I make guide my life. I must face the reality of any choice I make. I can justify my reason to others or even to myself, but at the end of the day, I must take ownership of it. I invite people to be involved in the choices I make, but I can’t place blame on them for what they do or do not do. The only blame I can justly place is on myself. What I am choosing to do now is to share with you these notions. And I want to ask you, “Do you take full ownership of everything that you choose to do?”

Me personally, I don’t. But I want to do. And so, I am willing to give it a little gander.

Are you? 10/14/13