Your Design

Never design yourself completely to meet the needs, wants, hopes, or desires of others, because in the end, we will still retain flaws.

Do not see others whom you envy and ask to seek their treasures, for that is our downfall.

Instead, close your eyes, envision something that brings you a simple, genuine, warming joy.

Perfect.

Now, smile as you treasure yourself, fight for what you value, and yearn to be someone you can truly achieve becoming.

May honesty, acceptance, confidence and love be the tools by which you sculpt your design.

Being & Seeing

In college, I took a multidisciplinary course that focused on the study of alterity (otherness)—a word I spent about 20 minutes attempting to remember this morning. One of our texts presented the idea of how we envision others, via lenses derived from physical features, biases, assumptions, stereotypes, and judgments that we place upon others, ultimately destroys the identity of that other person. The only way to see someone for who they really are would be to leave behind those views and judgments and allow us to see them as they truly want to present themselves.

(That’s DEFINITELY paraphrased and I took that class either in 2008 or 2009, so I may have missed some things, but that’s the overall concept from that text.)

Nowadays, that idea still resonates within me, however, I’m not only pondering about how the eye of the beholder can destroy the identity of others, but how we craft our own self-destruction by projecting a false identity for others.

Per the original concept, the capacity for us to judge, assume, discriminate, and devour others’ identities on a daily basis has grown exponentially thanks to all our social media, online dating sites, and other virtual outlets. Likewise, the reverse should be considered as well: we are being viewed and consumed in mass. So, what is the drive behind how we choose to present our own identity?

Some may tap into falsehoods, projecting ideas or stereotypes about ourselves to feed into what others want. When we tap into a preconceived view that others have about our own identity and we outwardly illustrate it (be it from we act, photos we post, articles we share, our actions, our words, or even our own silence), we start down the path of allowing others’ perception to define who you are, instead of showing others who you really are.

So this is two fold: upon seeing others, try to remove those self-crafted lenses of biases or assumptions so you truly see that person as they want to be seen; and upon sharing yourself, reflect and acknowledge if who you’re sharing is truly you, or just what others want. As people, we adapt to change and social scenarios, but at the core, who we are should not be lost, it should grow stronger to better ourselves. Our identity is ever-changing, so, you’ll need to deal with that. But try to ensure those changes are crafted to better who you are or who you want to be for yourself and not solely for others. (Sometimes we better ourselves for yourself and another, but don’t sacrifice all of who you are just for one person—someone who values you for who you are wouldn’t want that.)

Never forget that if others reject you, that is their loss for not seeing you for the individual that you are/want to be. And if you step away from that situation unchanged, who you are at your core remains intact for yourself and there will be others who will see the real you and who you strive to be.

Meagan Jones

Last week, my friend died.

We learn, change and grow from experiences. Today, I am simply saddened. A person who meant so much to so many, brightened so many lives, and was the kindest and funniest of people, is no longer among us.

That sucks.

And, more importantly, cancer sucks.

This is a shitty lesson to learn, but there will be people you love and care about whom you will lose, and as you mourn them, you will ask yourself What can I do?

In the moment of their passing, we are powereless.

There’s nothing we can do, but be there for them, their family, and for others they have impacted.

Thereafter, we must consider how we honor them and what they stand for, and decide what I can do for their cause.

There have been those around me who have passed away and people in my life—like my mother, my father, my family, my mentors, my peers, who one day will as well—pass on from the world we live in. But it saddens me that Meagan Jones is my first close friend to leave me.

Last week, my friend died.

And today, I continue to try and learn how to deal with it.

We love you.

We miss you.

And we will always honor you. 

March 2014

Take In a Moment

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I am a person with a thought on his mind.

Because in life, shit definitely happens.

I live with regrets from past mistakes;

Or anger towards the horrid actions of another;

And there are unfathomable events that stir us all.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

A moment is haunting me.

So today of all days,

I will take in a thought,

One often wished away,

And I do not forgive;

And I do not forget;

I simply see it as is

And accepted it.

Today, as this is written,

Or as this is reread,

I choose to take it in.

But how do I face a moment as haunting as this?

I think back to where I once was;

Now see where I have come;

And wonder: will this acceptance aid my future?

I am not always a person who wants to forgive or be forgiven;

But today I aim to be a person who moves on.

The Investment of Friendship

Remember a simple truth: you are a worthwhile person.

And consider this as well: those around you should be too.

Cherish the chance to meet to get to know others,

As you hope others do to you.

And while your remember your simple truth, also note the following:

Your friendship is a two-way investment.

If you find extreme inequity in any friendship,

Then what friendship do you truly have?

You are a worthwhile person;

You are a valued friend;

You are an investment.

As you embrace your simplistic truth,

Grasp hold of another truth:

Let go of those friendship fueled by inequity,

And invest time in those who value you,

As you do them.

6.23.14

Ownership of Control: The Ultimate I-Statement

Forgive me Internet, for I have sinned. It’s been… like what, exactly(-ish) two years to the date since my last blog post? :) Seems like a great time to post some random thoughts, ramblings, general ponderments and notions. #wanzisms

Now that I’ve scared off readers with a hashtag in the first paragraph, let’s get into it:

If you have talked to me over the last months and we’ve discussed anything around problems or advice, then you already know what this whole post is going to be about: That’s right, ownership of actions and self-control. To further my point, I will also not be giving my usual second-person narrative advice. You need not do a thing, other than read on (if you choose to).

Today we—nay, I shall reside in the land of I-statements.

Over the last few months, I have maintained the motto that I am the only person that has full control of actions within my life and I must always take ownership of them. Additionally, I do not have control of others, nor should I ever draw frustration from not having that control. This may seem like a pretty obvious idea to most, but on a daily basis I can think of a wide range of excuses that may bubble up:

§     Uh, you didn’t tell me to do that…

§     Oh, I definitely spaced on that one

§     Yeah, I’m just really tired

§     Well, that’s not really my fault/job/issue/(etc.)

§     I was told to do that… (I wrote that today in an email)

§     Oh… no, I didn’t do that…

§     Grrr, I was just SUPER frustrated…

§     Ugh, [insert person] totally made me go out last night

These are a mere sample of my refined excuse-palette. But at the core of this, is my decision to make excuses to mask my inaction or dismiss ownership of my actions.

So when my friends have asked for advice recently or when I have been faced with my own dilemma, I began to realize “I made that choice that got me there, regardless of others, and I need to admit to that.” Boom! Truth. (No hashtag.)

So again, I say, I am the only person that has full control of any action or decision in my life and I must take ownership of that. (This wasn’t always the case, but even InfantWanz developed some degree of control.) Now there are things that happen in my life that are outside of my control (i.e.: random actions in the world, other people’s actions, the series finale of Dexter.). But what matters, is how I choose to respond and react to these others’ actions or the actions that happen around me. Shit happens, but I can’t take ownership for everything out there or place profuse blame onto others; I must remember what I have control of, what I have done, and what I can still do (or not do).

Naturally, the actions of others can influence my actions and beliefs, just as mine can do the same to others. In fact, what I realized is that when I choose to present something that is an influence onto someone else (knowingly or unknowingly), I must take ownership of what have chosen to do and to be aware of the reaction my influence can cause. However, what that person chooses to do is his/her choice, but what I have to take ownership of is that influence. How others influence me still comes from them, but it is ultimately my choice to let myself take it in and take action on that influence. For that, I need to take ownership of what I do and do not do, how that influences others, and who I listen to.

I can’t control everything; that’d be a lot of work if I could, but I can’t. It’s impossible. I don’t try (too often). The root of many of my frustrations stems from the realization that I am unable to directly change something because it is outside of my realm of control—and that just means that whatever I am trying to control is not me. I can’t control other people (nor can they control me); I can’t control the relationship between others; I can’t control other people I am in a relationship with; and I can’t control nature, something outside of everyone’s control (in my opinion).

What should be acknowledged is the important impact that those I have invited into my life have had. I have grown, I have loved, I have laughed, and I have been influenced positively from these many great persons. My friends’ influences and experiences are gifts offered to me (knowingly or unknowingly) that I choose to receive or dismiss.

Even when people come to me for help, I can’t make anyone do anything. What I can do is listen. What I can do is provide support. What I can do is coach. But what I can’t do is fix a problem that someone else has, that’s a choice that he or she needs to make in solving his/her problem. I can offer my thoughts, but it’s that person’s choice to take it. (*cough*subtlesubtextforthis*cough*)

And so, I choose to remain focus on myself when it comes to what I can and cannot do. The root of my frustration, irritations, jealousies, biases, and more are derived from displacement of my ownership of control. Because the choices I make guide my life. I must face the reality of any choice I make. I can justify my reason to others or even to myself, but at the end of the day, I must take ownership of it. I invite people to be involved in the choices I make, but I can’t place blame on them for what they do or do not do. The only blame I can justly place is on myself. What I am choosing to do now is to share with you these notions. And I want to ask you, “Do you take full ownership of everything that you choose to do?”

Me personally, I don’t. But I want to do. And so, I am willing to give it a little gander.

Are you? 10/14/13

My Epiphany of Genuine Connections – of Friendship, of Relationships, of Self

There’s a simple necessity in wanting to build connections with others. Rarely does solitude strengthen an individual who is trying to find his or her place in a community, in society. And from others, they can help you learn, help you laugh, help you grow, and help you love. Others will help support you to be who you are, remind you of who you are when you’re lost and others will stand beside you in times of need, just as you will for them.

But to do such, in a healthy manner, you need to A) surround yourself with genuine friends and relationships B) understand who you are and be comfortable with yourself and C) let go of those toxic relationships with certain people and attachments that will hinder you from being you.

The genuine aspect of any relationship (friends, family, partners, etc.) is key. Living in the world we do now, many things—including relationships—are fabricated. To build a connection with someone involves wanting to know someone because of who he or she is, and not because of what you can gain out of him or her. (Approaching people because they’ll drive you places or because you think they’re dateable or because you can they can be your lab partner are examples of “superficial connections.”) A genuine connection is mutual, and just as you open up to them, they can do so for you. The reality of a genuine friendship is that time and distance will not deteriorate it—merely transform it. To combat loneliness, we sometimes seek those most immediate to us (housemates, classmates, co-workers, neighbors) and genuine connects can be built here. However, if the basis of your friendship resides in being situational, then once the situation has changed, the connection usually fizzles, dies, or becomes toxic. A true connection with a person can be reignited because of the mutual importance of one person in the other person’s life. Time can be made for friends, near and far, old or new, because in the end, those with a genuine connection will be there for each other. True connections can endure change, even become stronger because of it. But you need to have a legitimate understanding of yourself in order to do so.

Though this is about the significance of strong and healthy relationships, the understanding of the relationship that you have with yourself is central. It breaks down to being comfortable with being by yourself and still knowing who you are. This isn’t to contradict the notion that individuals do not seek solitude, but there are times and places when we are alone and want to be with yourself, and how you handle it is important. In the world of social networking that we are engrossed in today, the concept of being alone almost seems alien. But to sit down, disconnect from others, close your eyes, and to feel content with this is an achievement. To do so, you must let go of others and to focus your mind on what you need, what will better you, and to help you achieve clarity of yourself. When you realize who you are, it can not solely be derived from the perception that others have of you, of what you were, of what you yearn to be—who you are is determined on if you are happy being who you are there in the moment. And if you aren’t, think about why, would it be worth it to the change or to endear, and if you’re changing for you or for others. Take control of yourself. Find yourself, find your balance of what you’ve learned from others around you and what you’ve learned on your own, and accept and embrace that, because that’s who you are. The most troubling thing to do is let others who do not have a true connection with your misshape who you are and how you see yourself.

Toxic relationships occur for numerous reasons. Sometimes it’s selfish, to hide from who you are or who they are, what would seem to sometimes be a healthy relationship shatters from secrets of the hidden self. Sometimes someone can be so lost that any connections they make are poisonous by association—there can’t be a mutually genuine connection if someone genuinely does not know his/herself. Sometimes it can purely be physical, utilizing each other in that moment, in their availability, or even in their vulnerability. Sometimes it can be a selfish notion that a person likes you, even if you don’t like them back. And sometimes the lonely seek others, sometimes they even seek each other, and in so doing they don’t build healthy relationships but cling onto each other with sheer disparity. It could be anything. Poisonous connections can be obtained with things as well (be it alcohol, drugs, work, exercise, competitive activities, many things) to “help” transform how your inner self is perceived or how others might see you. But in the end, you are who you are and you can only end up losing yourself—and that’s why genuine connections are there, to help ground you and bring you back when you stray. Sometimes letting go of those things or even poisonous people can feel like losing a sense of self-definition, of you, but you need to remember who you are, with or without it/them. What you must learn to do is let go of those dangerous relationships that can’t be worked on, can’t be fixed, that cannot be mended.

All real relationships, friendships, connections go through hardships and challenges (even your relationship with yourself). This is the measure of if these connections are valid or genuine—real relationships change over time, they are never static. Those closest to us hold the ability to hurt us the most, since they know who you really are (or at least what you’ve unveiled to them), but if you both really care for each other, you will both be there in times of need and relationships can be mended. Key word: both. No connection that is selfless is a one-way-street. Embrace those in your life that care. And if you find yourself unhappy with those around you or even with yourself, make a change. If that change is letting go of someone, something or even inviting others back into your life, then do it. It may suck, it may be hard, it may be scary, it may even require you to own up to your past mistakes—but hiding yourself in a poisonous illusion of friends and self will only end in destruction, devastation, unhappiness, and unwanted loneliness.

Know who you are, grow from others around you and let go of those that don’t value you for who you really are. 10/10/11